3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
