fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
