did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
