you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize