you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
