I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
