i permit you to call me
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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