So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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