I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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