I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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