oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
