I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My pussy is not your playground.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
