i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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