You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
