between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
