i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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