I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
