just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
