I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
