I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
