The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
