he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
