I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
