Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
