im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
And then he peed in my hair
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