He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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