she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
