Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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