I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
