I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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