Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
