So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
