I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
