It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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