is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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