that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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