CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
