i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
