Umm I'm too high to move.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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