Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
