Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I want to fling myself into the sun
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
