Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
