Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
