i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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