you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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