Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
