god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
