I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
