If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
