I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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