By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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