he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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