I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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