my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
