So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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