In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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