pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
