Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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