now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
