Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this boner is exhausting
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
