im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
