I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
