I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
