i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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