I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize