there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
