I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Randomize
