I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
