OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
