GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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