DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
