you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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