She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
