I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize