Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
